Feeling inadequate is honestly a relatively new experience for me. Growing up I always mastered whatever I tried – from school, to dance classes, to music. I was always was successful. I was the colorguard captain dating the drum major in high school (for you jocks, it’s like the band geek version of the cheerleading captain and the quarterback). Even coming out as a lesbian was much easier for me than it was for many of my friends. Sure my parents were freaked, and the divorce was ugly, but really not as bad as it could have been. Compared to a lot of people, I’ve had things pretty easy.
But this last year…well, this last year has turned my self-confidence upside down. I never thought I would have difficulty being a mom. But I feel so much like this last year has proven me a failure. At being a mom, at being a wife, at balancing everything. I feel like there are so many things that I wish I could have done differently. Times I was frustrated that I wish I hadn’t been, times I spent complaining when I should have held them, times I got angry with H instead of talking to her about it, times I can’t get back.
My family is more than I could have ever imagined it to be. And yet I feel like I don’t do right by them every day of my life. I constantly feel like I need to be doing more, being more, and I don’t know how.
I hate to sound like a pity party, because it isn’t that. I just never felt this way before, like I couldn’t do something or figure something out. And I know that parenting is hard, and it’s hard on relationships, and it’s constantly a learning curve – I GET that. But I’m having difficulty reconciling the part of me that’s always been the “good girl” with the part of me that feels like I just can’t get it right. I’m not used to not mastering a task that’s in front of me.
Recently there’s been some…”developments” at my company that have affected me greatly. They have not helped my feelings of inadequacy. Being passed over for a promotion you’ve been promised for 8 months and then getting “reassigned” does wonders for that ol’ ego.
I guess this did sort of turn into a pity party. Hell, it’s my blog. I’m allowed.