A Mother's Body

I can’t say that I’ve ever really been comfortable in my body. Actually, the most comfortable that I ever was probably was during my pregnancy. Because being pregnant gave me an excuse. It’s not that I ever felt I was overweight. But my body type doesn’t exactly lend itself to feeling sexy. I am shortwaisted and long-legged. Which sounds good in theory, but clothes just never really fit right.

Before getting pregnant, I was about 138 pounds and 5’7″. Until low-rise pants came into fashion, I always looked dorky. Then low-rise happened and I finally found a look that worked. By the time I delivered, I was just over 180.¬†Initially I got right back down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but that was a result of extreme anemia from blood loss in recovery. And breastfeeding.

Since I stopped nursing, it’s gone pretty much downhill. As someone who was never really subject to the slowdown in metabolism that often comes with your late 20’s, this weight gain and loss of my body is a mystery to me. None of my clothes fit. My belly hangs over the top of my low-rise pants. My butt and thighs don’t fit into pants that they used to. My most comfortable capris are…maternity pants. Yep. Maternity pants. Granted, they are too big. But not by much.

I never thought of myself as sexy. I could dress up in my sexiest outfit and still feel like I had nothing to offer in a roomfull of beautiful women. Now…well…I’ve got my mom’s body. I don’t mind it so much, although I do need to work out, eat better, eat less. All changes I can make pretty easily. But I know I’ll never go back to that old body I once had.

I’m proud of my body. I’m proud it was able to carry my twins 36 weeks 3 days. It betrayed me some in the blood loss and recovery of my pregnancy, and in breastfeeding the twins. But I think it did more than I thought it was capable of. But I’d like to be able to fit into my old clothes – at least until I can afford new ones.

Sometimes I look at my c-section scar and wonder at the thought that my babies, who are almost 14 months old, came out of me in that little incision. And then I look at those adorable faces and I don’t mind my mother’s body so much anymore.

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