Have you ever felt totally emotionally alone? Dealing with whatever you want to call what I’m dealing with (depression, anxiety, combination of the both) has really been isolating, but not in the way that most people tell you depression is isolating. Most of the time, they tell you that depression forces you to push away people who are close to you. You stop wanting to do the things you normally wanted to do.
I find myself reaching out more now than I did before. But where I feel alone is at home. H has put up with this for the past 2 years. I’ve convinced myself that I have the power to overcome it simply because I want to, and in the process I’ve alienated the person I love the most.
I admit, she’s not always the most understanding. And sometimes I feel like she thinks I’m just an asshole because I don’t want to be any other way. I watch movies that have some of “our” songs in them and I wonder if she feels the same way about me as she felt when she played those songs for me. I fear I’ve done irreparable damage, and wonder if I can forget how some of the things have been said have made me feel once balance is restored.
Today, I was taking down photos and art in preparation for our move. One of my favorites is a trio of pictures from our wedding ceremony on the beach. Two photos of H and I separated by a beautiful shot of the water. I felt so safe.
I just feel like now is when I need to feel safe, and now is when I feel the most questioned, the most antagonized, and the most alone.