I really wish I could feel like I am a patient mother. Most times I can be. Especially when H is being impatient with the twins. That’s when I usually have the most insight into how to get the kids to behave appropriately. But nights like tonight, when my frustration hits overload, literally has me questioning whether I am doing right by my children.
Nights like tonight result in multiple time outs, a lot of me feeling inadequate, and early bedtimes all the way around. I realize the twins are 2 (and change) and that behavior that is frustrating is the norm. They are pushing limits – theirs and mine, and figuring out what their boundaries are. And I vacillate between allowing them the freedom to discover and reigning in their behavior.
There are days (like today) that I feel like they behave for everyone but me. Their daycare provider tells me how wonderful they are; their aunties “never” have any problems with them. I recognize, intellectually, that this is because those people don’t possess the same buttons to be pressed that I do. But it also makes me wonder, on an emotional level, if that’s just because they are better at dealing with them than I am.
The thing I struggle with is that I love my children more than anything in the world. I wanted nothing more growing up than to be a mom. My favorite thing is to snuggle with them in the early hours of the morning, watching them sleep and marveling at their amazing growth. And I wonder what it is in me that needs to change to be a better mom to them. Because they deserve that.