What She Said

I don’t follow a ton of blogs. My bloglines page at most will have 5 or 6 updates at any given time, and most of the time, it’s only 1 or 2. Hell, I can barely keep up with my own life I can’t add other people into the mix that I don’t even know!

But the bloggers I do read, I feel like I know. Even the ones who I have no chance of ever meeting IRL.  About a year ago, I stumbled upon Crystal’s site and have been hooked ever since. She’s funny, irreverant, honest, and not afraid to bare her soul.  The things she’s been through, she’s a brave woman, and braver to share it with the world.

I logged into bloglines this morning to find (yay!) a new post from her. And the moment I started reading it, I was in tears. She hit everything I’ve been feeling the past few days with such clarity.  Read the post here. 

The past week or so has been tough. I’m excited, because we are getting ready for a little mini vacation to see my family, both for my nephew’s birthday and to take the kids to the happiest place in southern California.  As I mentioned before, we have a situation I’m not blogging about right now, but as a result of said situation (which some of you know about, but please keep to yourselves for now) I’m weaning off of Cel.exa.  (PS no I’m not pregnant).  Anyway, I was put on it about 8 months ago for undiagnosed post partum depression.  I was angry all the time, the kids easily frustrated me, and I didn’t like myself much.

Now, I feel much better, and I also realize that the past 3 or 4 months of treatment with the meds, that they make me really flat emotionally. If you know me, you know I’m a crier. Hall.mark commercials, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, anything on TLC, a story in the paper…I cry. Easily. Always have.

Until meds. And I realized I hadn’t cried at much for a long time. I realized I was just getting by.  Not depressed.  But not ANYTHING.  So I had decided to try and wean off them. I’d done enough reading that I knew cold turkey was a no-no, and my doctor kept telling me it would be fine to go cold turkey.  So I devised my own weaning plan. For a week now I’ve been at half a dose – from 20mg to 10mg.  The first two days I felt really sluggish, but since then I’ve felt really very good. I realized how good a decision this was when I woke up and snuggled with my wife before getting ready for work – something we used to do all the time.  Later that night we were in bed watching the news, and the story about the small plane crash here in California came on, and talked about all the kids who were on that plane, and I lost it. Cried for the parents (who, we now know, were on the plane with the kids) who lost their babies. For the families who suffered the worst loss I can think of.  For those kids who must have been so scared. I cried. Hard.

And I realized how good it felt to FEEL. Now, the downside is, empathy isn’t the only thing that seems to come flooding back.  The things that irritated me before still irritate me, only now I feel like I’m relearning how to deal with them.  The meds made me not care as much, but now I care and I want to understand how to fix things more. The struggle is making sure I identify when something is frustrating me BEFORE I speak, as opposed to apologizing for saying something stupid.

Enter yesterday. Our twins are 3. And I can honestly say that there is no such thing as terrible 2’s.  It’s definitely terrible 3’s.  And they are willful and stubborn and doing things like writing on the couch in permanent marker (my fault for leaving the marker out).  And they are actively NOT listening, which is the most frustrating part of it.  So last night, after a particularly frustrating evening of not listening and not following directions, and the boy baby hitting his head on the door while rushing for the bathtub resulting in a nice goose-egg, I got them ready for bed. I read them a story, and I pulled my son onto my lap and said:

“I’m sorry Mommy was frustrated with you. Ok? I’m sorry I got frustrated.”

His reply?

“It’s ok. You take a deeeeeep breath.  And sink!  That sounds like a great idea!”  He leaned his forehead against mine. (sink=think)

Yes, buddy. Mommy takes a deep breath.  And thinks.  And realizes I’d rather re-learn how to deal with my frustrations than not have moments like this bring tears to my eyes. The tears are so incredibly worth it.

P.S. This will be the post that ends the aliases. My wife says it makes my blog hard to read for her, and if anyone should be able to read my blog, it’s her. So back to just first initials for everyone.  If you’re new here, that means:
H = wife
J = daughter
N = son
B = part-time nanny, roommate


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