It being Easter and all, I find it appropriate symbolism that there are at least two things going on for me right now that represent “new life”.
The first is my final dose of cel.exa. I’m now two days med-free, and SO FAR, aside from intermittent dizziness (which I can’t really call dizziness, more like fuzziness, it’s hard to explain), I feel really good. I feel better mentally than I think I every did ON meds, but I do know that they were necessary to even things out for me. I had been prescribed them for untreated post partum depression; untreated for almost 2 years, thanks to an OB/GYN who literally told me to “suck it up” when I brought up my concerns.
Now, this isn’t my first attempt to get off the meds. The first time, I had been thinking about it – set up a plan for weaning, and then one day missed a pill in the weaning process and thought I’d just go with it and see what happened. I was pretty sick that night. Back on I went, pretty discouraged. My doctor is no help – he sees no reason not to go cold turkey from 20mg to 0. Thankfully, I figured out on my own and through the help of Dr. Go.ogle, that my doctor is an idiot. I also have a really good friend who’s finishing up her MFT degree who’s encouraged a slow wean as well. So I went from 20mg to 10mg (cutting the pills in half) very easily. I had 2 days of feeling a bit sluggish, but nothing too major. I stayed there for 3 weeks, mostly because I had SO MUCH going on that I didn’t want to risk having major side effects at a time when I couldn’t be home or at least at a place I’m comfortable at (such as my office) to deal with them.
The day we came home from our trip to my parent’s house, I realized I had forgotten my 10mg dose that morning. I thought I’d just run with it. No go. Felt dizzy, disconnected, and overall very shaky. Frustrated, I took my last 10mg dose that afternoon. Next morning, 1/2 of 1/2 – 5mg. Felt great. No weird side effects, mental clarity really good. Spent a week there.
Now, well, now I feel mentally fantastic. Physically not as great – dizziness, a little emotional (super easy to cry – which is actually VERY WELCOME for me, as the Cel.exa made me feel really flat emotionally), and a little tired. But I’ve also not had much sleep due to a coughing baby girl – so the tiredness is likely more related to that.
I am worried that the big side effects are yet to come. After all, it has only been two days. Right now my mantra is “get through today.” My first real goal is the twins’ birthday – on Thursday. Goal 2? May 11th.
Why May 11th you ask? Well, that brings me to my next “new beginning.” I’ve finally landed a position at another Agency. You might recall I switched divisions awhile back to try and get more out of my current Agency – but it just isn’t working. The management philosophy and politics where I am at now are just too much. But I found a great position working with a small Department that works with low-income households and energy conservation. There’s a lot more to it, and it’s a “lead” type position, and it comes with free parking – which is hard to come by in State employment around here. The only crappy thing is my current agency decided to hold me for the full 30 days they are allowed to so I have to wait to start the new job until May 11th.
Both things make me feel really good about the choices I’m making – the direction I’m headed, and I feel like both will make me a better parent, a better partner, and a better person. I am thankful for the Cel.exa and what it did for me while I needed it, but I’m ready. I’m ready to be more diverse emotionally again, I’m ready to feel motivated again, I’m ready to be me again. I am grateful for the opportunities I’ve had at my current Agency, but I’m ready to try a new challenge – one that uses my breadth of training and skills and puts them to a tangible good use.
What’s new with you?