Birthday

Somehow, I managed to post a “I promise a birthday post” post this morning as a draft. Apparently I was distracted. Can’t imagine why, what with the twins’ 3rd birthday party today and all.

Anyway. So the twins turned 3. Technically, they turned 3 on Thursday. They had a great day, and even visited me for lunch and took the train to do it. I, however, was a wreck. I was already emotional about the whole deal, and then Thursday marked 1 week med-free and I think it was also the peak of the emotional side effects of that fact. So I was irritable, emotional, and short-tempered with the twins. I went to bed exhausted and crying.

To top it off, I had been dealing with headaches all week, after an incident last Saturday where N caught me in the head with a flagpole. I called my Dr. who advised an ER trip. Fun. So Friday morning off I went. Concussion confirmed. Nice.

Fast forward to today. After spending all last night preparing (the twins got a slumber party at their aunties’ house), I was super-excited for the party. I woke up and couldn’t wait for the bounce house to get here. The kids got home and were so excited by the decorations, but were super crabby. I was worried – but realized once they saw the bounce house they’d be fine. It was a huge hit. We spent almost the whole party in the backyard.

N’s big gift was a basketball hoop – one that isn’t made by Li.ttle Ty.kes. HUGE hit. J got a bike and a scooter and they both got a bunch of little things that they are enamored with. Not too much stuff, which is good. AND they got a family pass to the local zoo, for the whole year, which is SO cool.

N managed to continue with his birthday party day injury tradition. I’m hoping this is the last year for that. Last year it was 6 stitches in his hand. This year the bounce house resulted in a bloody nose. And this was no bloody nose for the weak of stomach. This was blood spurting everywhere, scare mommy to tears, make mommy thankful one of her good friends is a pediatrician AND at the party kind of bloody nose. Apparently I yelled at a few people during the whole thing, which I apologize for, but I was pretty freaked out. Apparently I’m not a keep your calm kind of mom. LOL. I’ll have to be better about that. I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last injury – I’ll need to be better about keeping my cool. More so I don’t scare the kids when they are already scared. He’s fine now though. Not broken, might be bruised tomorrow, but doesn’t even seem to be bothering him now.

Everyone but me is asleep now. N is asleep next to me, H is snoring next to him, and J is asleep in her room. I’m finally able to take a breath and reflect. I have to say, I can’t believe the twins are 3. I am just in awe. In awe of how time flies, in awe of the little people they are becoming, and in awe of everything they are discovering. I’m in awe of how every day they challenge me to be a better person, a better mom, a better everything – just by their mere existence.

In coming off the anti-depressants, I’m re-learning patience. My emotional range is greater, but that also includes things like getting irritated or frustrated. The best part is, I’m also really AWARE of that process, where before I was sort of immune to it. It’s a process, and I beat myself up a lot, but I’m so thankful for these little people, and it amazes me how much they teach us about ourselves. I’m learning I need to be more patient, more understanding, and a better problem-solver.

I love my children with a depth I never knew was possible. N is such a love. He will throw himself into my arms and tell me he loves me. He loves to hold my hand and gives kisses all the time. J challenges me every day. She’s smart and funny and is going to be the source of many gray hairs I’m sure. And I love them both more every day. They are harder to parent, but more rewarding to parent. Harder because they have their own opinions and ideas about how to do things, when to do things, and even IF to do things. But as a parent, I have to remember the goal is to raise children who speak up for themselves, who think for themselves, and who reach out and do the things that make them happy. More rewarding because every night ends with an “I love you” and snuggles. More rewarding because I can start to see them light up as they learn about the world.

N & J, I want to protect you from everything but give you everything. I want to hold you close and let you spread your wings. I want you to experience the world but never know pain. I want you to believe in yourselves, respect yourselves, be true to yourselves. I want you to always know that your mommies will always be in your corner, even if if seems like nobody else is. I love you, more today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today. My heart grows every day. Thank you for giving me the best gift anybody could ever hope for, and more joy than I ever knew existed. When the world seems to be falling down around me, your hugs and kisses remind me that my blessings are endless. You are my lights, my shining stars. And I love you so very much. Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

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