Grace

What happened to the week? Last week went by so fast I barely even registered most of it. And now it’s Monday again and I literally have not had much time to sit and just BE.

We got moved in, and the downstairs is pretty much in order. The upstairs? Not so much. We need to get the kids’ dressers bolted to the walls, as well as their toy shelves. We’re still figuring out the logistics of their play area being upstairs because so far it’s resulted in a few incidents of pulling ALL THE TOYS out and then having to push them to clean up. But we are loving the house, the space, and the newness of it all. H loves the kitchen and she’s managed to have more than a few home-cooked meals already.

We have friends going through a rough time relationship-wise. And some of what has come out of that situation has pushed me further in my lack of understanding of what one sees in the other. It’s complicated, and yet so simple. But also not mine to deal with. And yet I just don’t understand why someone would settle for something so much less than they deserve. At the very least, it’s making me realize that I need to always be on guard to be sure that H and I are doing our very best to be in tune with each other. Make sure to connect – make sure needs are being met emotionally, etc…

My mid-week last week was really insane. I ended up with two non-work meetings and had already committed to spend the evening at my friend’s watching our favorite show. By the time I got home at 10pm I was completely beat. And I’ve needed to do some major processing over my meeting from that lunch meeting with Dean Baker and I feel like I haven’t had adequate time to do so. Or maybe I’m thinking about it wrong. I felt like I needed an hour or two to sit and contemplate about what we talked about, talk to H, etc… Well, let me back up and talk about how the meeting went and then I’ll go from there.

I mentioned previously about my having a meeting with Dean Baker regarding our chapter of Integrity. We agreed to have lunch here by my office and he rode up right on time on his prized motorcycle. He greeted me with a hug and once we sat down after receiving our orders, we got to talking. Only we got to talking about a lot of things, none of which were the exact reason he was there. He said with a sideways smile, “Having a bit of a spiritual awakening are you?” And instantly I realized he was still reading my blog. I felt a bit exposed, although I knew previously he’d been reading. But I’d been so lax recently I figured I’d lost everyone. On a good day I get maybe 7 or 8 hits to my blog now. Anyway, we chatted about my upbringing and how I was worried when the Dean of our church left (the one before him) about who the next Dean might be. We chatted about General Convention and how I had posted on Twitter about a young woman talking about having lesbian moms and how opening up the church means they won’t have to hide anymore. He told me he testified just 2 or 3 people past that young woman and I didn’t post about him and that he’d wondered why? We laughed and I told him that I had the live feed on while I was getting ready to leave the house, but if I had realized he was up next I would have waited!!!

We realized we have things in common like theater, movie tastes (some anyway), and even disapproving parents. And when we finally got down to the nuts and bolts of things, it was an easy transition to start talking about what sorts of opportunities were coming down the pike and what his expectations are about the group. I was truly worried that this would be a high level ramp up that would have expectations that the group would be up and functional within a very short time frame. He reassured me that these things take time and that he was fine with that. I talked about wanting to maintain balance in my life – not wanting to be gone every evening and never see my family, etc…He agreed. Then he charged me with doing three things:

Think about it.
Pray about it.
Talk to H.

So. I talked to H. That was the easiest part. For her, it’s not something that requires a big thought process. Her answer is, “You are happier when you have something else going on in your life outside of work and home.” End of discussion. She’s totally supportive and gets why I want to do it, but to her it doesn’t have to be talked into the ground either. It just is. It’s one of the reasons we are so good for each other. If we talked everything into the ground action would probably never happen. I analyze, she acts. So together, I get her to analyze a bit more and not be as impulsive, and she gets me to analyze less and act on instinct a bit more. Most of the time it works great. BUT it also leaves me to do a lot of my analysis on my own and that’s what I feel like I haven’t really had time to do. I had grand ideas of filling the tub with bubbles and sitting in there for an hour contemplating everything this weekend. HA. Didn’t happen.

So, here goes. I worry. I worry about everything. I worry that I will take this on and it will fail. And I told Dean Baker that I have a pretty epic fear of failure. I rarely admit that to anyone. Seriously, why would you want to tell someone that? Especially someone looking to hand the reigns of something over to you? But I figured if I can’t be open and honest about my concerns there was no point in actually having the discussion. I want to make sure I am able to share my focus across all the important things in my life – family, friends, Church/Integrity, work, etc… and not have any of them feel shortchanged. Only in the past 4 years have I not truly had something going on outside of my home. I’ve always done community theater, coached, or had some classes I was taking. And I feel like I’m an idiot for questioning any of this – because I asked to help out and literally it’s being handed to me. And it’s being handed to me with full support of the Dean, and with full understanding of the enormity of the task.

And so often I get in my own way. That fear of failure can force one of two things – either it prevents one from actually trying, or it creates an overachiever. Most of my life I have been the latter. Insanely hard on myself in everything from school to parenting. And I’m trying to find that peace in myself that truly believes that it’s ok not to be the perfect child. While I no longer have my parents’ approval in just about anything I do anymore, I still have that need to see myself as successful in what I do. And I truly believe that taking this on, taking on this leadership role, is the right thing for me to do – for myself and for the organization. I think I have something to contribute, and I think I need to contribute, and I have to learn to have as much faith in myself as other people have in me.

(I’m starting to wonder if by posting this, a certain someone may read it and rethink his offer!)

The reality is, I’ve been on this path since before Dean Baker and I spoke. The “spiritual awakening” he speaks of has been something I’ve pursued on my own on and off since childhood, and much more fervently the past few years. This is a natural extension of that internal awakening – using my natural gifts, the ones I’ve used so many times for so many other things – to provide this awakening a true vehicle.

And I look back and read this post and realize the one thing I haven’t done or said, which is whether or not I believe this is God’s path for me. To me, the issue isn’t with that. In my opinion, the opportunity wouldn’t have been presented if it wasn’t. I believe God gives us opportunities and our choice is whether or not to take the opportunities and make something of them. And I really, really want to make something of this. I can only hope I can succeed or fail with grace and integrity, and that ultimately the opportunity brings me closer to the person I know I can be.

I am so proud to be in a place in my life and surrounded by people in my life who are truly supportive of who I am, who I can be, and who they believe me to be. And Dean Baker is no exception. At the end of our meeting he said that he believed I would do great things. And that simple statement meant so much.

I feel like ending this post feels weird – because it seems so much a beginning. I’ve been wanting to share this song for a long time, but it seems apropos now. It’s been my “anthem” for a few months…and I would LOVE to see the group sing it live.

The group is called Saving Jane. They are a band out of Ohio that I randomly found on iTunes. I’m totally hooked.

The song is called “Grace”:

I don’t wanna see, I don’t wanna see anything
I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be lost again
I don’t wanna walk, I don’t wanna walk far from You
I just wanna live, I just wanna live like You do
As I stumble to the light of grace
You said You’d always have a place for me
Got a little scared, got a little scared in the woods
And everywhere I turn, everywhere I turn nothing’s good
Then I saw a little light, saw a little light shine for me
And I found a little path, found a little path at my feet
As I fumble with the gift of my free will
He says hush now, listen to my voice, be still
My refuge, my Father
The only Living Water
I’m weary, I’m broken
I’ve cracked my heart wide open
Unholy, unworthy
And still You reassure me
You knew me
Before I knew myself
I don’t wanna be, I don’t wanna be lost again

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s