Inadequacy

This post is full of bitching and self-pity. Be warned. Yes, I love my life, these are just my current and at the surface frustrations that are right now needing to be vented. I’m not looking for affirmation or counter arguments, just a place to VENT.

I can’t cook.

At all.

Seriously.

Ok, well, I can make sandwiches and make tacos and manage to feed the kids halfway healthy foods, as long as most of it comes from a box or requires preparing of vegetables more than meat. It’s meat I can’t figure out. I have no instinct. I blame my mother. We were a meat and potatoes and Bur.ger Ki.ng family my entire childhood. The best dinner my mom made required reservations. So therefore, I know zip. Sure, I survived fine when I was single. On To.p Ra.men and frozen dinners and Sub.way. And now that I have kids who eat real food I want to be able to cook for them even when my wife is away on vacation. I guess I should make friends with the crock pot.

I hate the way I look right now. Hair, face, weight, you name it. My hair has NEVER made me happy. Ever since I chopped it off in the 11th grade I’ve never been able to grow it back to a decent length past my shoulders. It’s straight, sort of, and at a certain length just refuses to grow. It has zero body and is temperamental. Like me. My skin is always patchy, and I just always feel like I’ve never truly been happy with my appearance.

I need to lose about 40 pounds. Most people who know me in real life don’t believe me. But I’m in the “overweight” BMI range and at LEAST 30 pounds from the range of ideal for my height. The other 10 are for me. Hell right now I’d be happy with 25. Yes, that requires me to DO something, and I am. I’m cutting out caffeine and trying to eat healthier overall rather than “diet.” And I need to find a workout routine that I like (once my ankle heals) that doesn’t make me feel like I’m taking time away from my family.

I need to find a de-stress activity that costs little that will work for me with my schedule. I always have so much going on that it’s very hard for me to clear my head at all. I think about Yoga, but then worry there’s NO way I’d be able to clear my head at all to even reap the benefits.

I need to learn to let things slide. Pick my battles. With H and the kids. And myself I guess. Yell less. Enjoy more. For those of you who know me in real life, YES – I am fine. Just venting the things that are bugging me the most about myself all in one place at one time. It’s my blog.

If I had to find a new year’s resolution for myself this year, it’s to be more forgiving of myself.

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