And Awaaaaaay We Go. Oh wait.

So today was my baseline check. Check my E2 levels and lining and give me the go ahead to start estrogen patches.

Lining looked good. E2 levels. Not so good. Too high. So now I have to go back on FRIDAY. If things look good then, then I can start patches. This makes my June transfer now a July one. And as much as that sounds like no big deal, it’s super frustrating. Because we started down the FET path over a year ago. And we had to hold off because of money. And timing. And another week delay is just so. incredibly. frustrating.

I sort of had a feeling this morning that it would go this way. I’m not sure why. A hunch I guess. And I am afraid of how that bodes for the rest of the cycle. But, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. So even going into a cycle is hard for me, because I always go to the negative.

Last week I was in the supervisor academy class I am in every other week. The instructor this day is my favorite instructor we have (they switch off). The class was about managing through change, and how to apply the stages of grief to change, because people actually go through the same process. After lunch, our instructor starts to talk about that transition between letting go of the old stuff and beginning new stuff and that transition being where doubt creeps in. Then she started to cry, and relayed a story about her son in which she and her husband had decided that if plan A didn’t happen, they had a Plan B. But Plan B sounds really good when you still have hope that Plan A will work out.

That was when I had to walk out of the room because I couldn’t hold it together any longer. In approaching our FET, it’s always been “if it doesn’t work, we have two beautiful children and we are happy with that.” So essentially, Plan B is we’re done. That’s easy to say when there’s a shred of hope that Plan A, make a baby with an FET, is still a possibility. But what if Plan A really doesn’t work? Is Plan B really going to be ok? Is it going to be possible to actually get off the infertility roller coaster after one FET?

So we start the roller coaster, only to get stuck at the top of the first hill. And I’m frustrated that we’re stuck, but I know it will start rolling again. And I’m just hoping once we start rolling again that the rest of it is smooth with no more stalls.

And yes, Plan B sounds beautiful right now. Except I have to also admit that I WANT another baby. I want to be pregnant again and raise another child. And it’s hard to say that knowing that all our chances are pretty much tied up in this one try. It’s a lot of pressure. It’s a lot of fear. And it’s a lot of hopes to pin on one little uterus.

Plan B? Beautiful. For sure. But Plan A not working will definitely be something that I will have to learn to deal with. And admitting that is really really hard.

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4 thoughts on “And Awaaaaaay We Go. Oh wait.

  1. I am a glass half empty type of person who has morphed into a glass half full type of person after a certain little girl came into my life and smacked me upside the head. The top of the rollercoaster can be the worst or the best part of the ride. It is what makes a rollercoaster great. It is the part of the ride which is scary, that bodes the most anticipation and the moment where you take a breath before the ride really begins. You are there, you have overcome so many things that *could* have not worked (No eggs the first time at all, not enough to freeze, NEVER getting pregnant the first time) so I am holding onto the butterflies and gagging sensation at the top of this rollercoaster and hoping that this is the beginning. To be looked at later as the point of no return where you were strong enough women to come together and scream down that first hill. You can do this and no matter what happens you will be ok. You might be disappointed or angry or sad….OR you might look back and think THANK GOD I took that risk even though I didn’t think it would work and I wanted to vomit. 😉 I heart you guys. You can have my half of the proverbial glass so that yours can be full if just for a bit. ❤

  2. There’s no way I can say it as well as Lori just did, so I’ll just say that I’m ‘glass half full’, so if you’re feeling half empty, you can have my half until you feel better 🙂

  3. Oh how I totally can relate to what you so perfectly wrote. We’re looking at our FET right now too. It is so hard to just wait and especially when you want this plan..not plan B or C or whatever to have to be the only option. I hope that the time flies by and that you have a perfect FET in the end ((hugs))

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