So today was my baseline check. Check my E2 levels and lining and give me the go ahead to start estrogen patches.
Lining looked good. E2 levels. Not so good. Too high. So now I have to go back on FRIDAY. If things look good then, then I can start patches. This makes my June transfer now a July one. And as much as that sounds like no big deal, it’s super frustrating. Because we started down the FET path over a year ago. And we had to hold off because of money. And timing. And another week delay is just so. incredibly. frustrating.
I sort of had a feeling this morning that it would go this way. I’m not sure why. A hunch I guess. And I am afraid of how that bodes for the rest of the cycle. But, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. So even going into a cycle is hard for me, because I always go to the negative.
Last week I was in the supervisor academy class I am in every other week. The instructor this day is my favorite instructor we have (they switch off). The class was about managing through change, and how to apply the stages of grief to change, because people actually go through the same process. After lunch, our instructor starts to talk about that transition between letting go of the old stuff and beginning new stuff and that transition being where doubt creeps in. Then she started to cry, and relayed a story about her son in which she and her husband had decided that if plan A didn’t happen, they had a Plan B. But Plan B sounds really good when you still have hope that Plan A will work out.
That was when I had to walk out of the room because I couldn’t hold it together any longer. In approaching our FET, it’s always been “if it doesn’t work, we have two beautiful children and we are happy with that.” So essentially, Plan B is we’re done. That’s easy to say when there’s a shred of hope that Plan A, make a baby with an FET, is still a possibility. But what if Plan A really doesn’t work? Is Plan B really going to be ok? Is it going to be possible to actually get off the infertility roller coaster after one FET?
So we start the roller coaster, only to get stuck at the top of the first hill. And I’m frustrated that we’re stuck, but I know it will start rolling again. And I’m just hoping once we start rolling again that the rest of it is smooth with no more stalls.
And yes, Plan B sounds beautiful right now. Except I have to also admit that I WANT another baby. I want to be pregnant again and raise another child. And it’s hard to say that knowing that all our chances are pretty much tied up in this one try. It’s a lot of pressure. It’s a lot of fear. And it’s a lot of hopes to pin on one little uterus.
Plan B? Beautiful. For sure. But Plan A not working will definitely be something that I will have to learn to deal with. And admitting that is really really hard.