Mindf*ck

Mamazen said it very well when she said that this process is a mindf*ck.

I’ve been out of town, so that accounts for the lack of posting, as does my sheer terror and panic regarding this whole thing.

So, last you left me, I had a beta at Kai.ser that indicated rising HCG. Tuesday’s beta was 488, up from Monday’s 335 (taken at two different places). Thursday’s beta was a shocking 956. 20 away from true 48 hour doubling. I was in the car with my good friend Michelle on a road trip to Southern Cal to pick up my grandpa’s old car. She thought she had heard the numbers through my phone, but repeated them to me after I hung up, as a question. I looked at her and said, “What the f*ck???? I’m so confused.” I immediately messaged H and she called me right away. We both walked away from that conversation feeling very overwhelmed.

Last night, some spotting and a lot of cramping. I start feeling low again. Frustrated. Angry. Helpless. Beta at 7:30 am today. I wake up after a night of BAD cramping. Go for a blood draw where the tech tells me if I put enough pressure on the draw spot it shouldn’t bruise – has she met me??? Anyway, HOURS go by. It’s almost 3pm when I logon to their online system to see the results there and I still haven’t gotten a call.

Results? 2463. Doubling Again. WTF???

This afternoon, light spotting again. Enough right now that if I wasn’t looking for it I would miss it, but of course I’m looking. So the next step is an ultrasound. A week from tomorrow. Likely alone, because H can’t work her schedule that week at all due to training.

I don’t know what to think or expect. I’m happy that things look like they are headed in the right direction. Betas are a tad low based on what’s out there for averages and medians for the DPO that the betas were taken. But not totally out of range. But then there’s the cramping that has me in serious doubt. Then the spotting that is on again off again.

So. I might be quiet for the next week while I freak the eff out waiting for the next step. Thank you all for your support, both here and via email and texts. I’m blessed to have all of you.

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One thought on “Mindf*ck

  1. There is no point in only telling you the positive since I know your mind goes right to the negative with this anyway so I will just be blatant and hope it helps. I have lost two pregnancies very early on. One at 4.5 weeks and one at 6. BOTH times I had spotting first. The difference is that when I lost them, I spotted and it quickly turned into bleeding within a day or two. Then it was like a really heavy period with lots of cramping and some nausea.

    On the flip side, I have known a LOT of woman who spot alllllllll the way through their pregnancies. I have had two very good friends of mine (irl) who flat out bled (and not just once) and passed a few clots and now have healthy children. Seriously. Cramping is so normal for this stage of pregnancy that unless you are doubled over in pain or it feels worse than a period I wouldn’t even count that as a symptom y’know? I feel very heavy and crampy for the first few months. Crampy like I keep checking the tp for af.

    I still say doubling times are what is important here and as long as those numbers are going up then I am going to be jumping for joy for you guys. Could be that you lost a multiple and you are going to spot for awhile as the blood makes its way out. …still happy *insert jumping men here*

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