Beginning of the End

Well, I wish I had good news. Today’s scan revealed two sacs, one of appropriate size, but empty. One half the size of what it should be, with a possible yolk sac, but really behind and the “yolk sac” was questionable.

The RE wants to be conservative and wait until a repeat scan on Friday to be sure. So I get to continue doing shots and patches and suppositories until then.

I spent most of the day crying. Camped out on the couch at a friend’s house because the person we have watching the twins doesn’t know what’s going on, and falling apart at home became not an option. Going to work really wasn’t an option. Luckily I have the world’s most understanding boss.

The RE said it’s possible the small sac could catch up, which is why he wants to wait. But he made it clear the chances were very very slim. “Rare” he said.

I came home around 2:30 to hang with the twins. I stopped off and bought them some coloring books. I’m not sure why. Just felt like I wanted to bring them something.

It’s hard to believe two of those embryos took (and possibly all three, if what happened initially with the weird beta was a loss), and neither of what has stuck is good. And I have pregnancy symptoms which is cruel enough, but to have to go through another four days like this really is wrong.

I still haven’t blogged about the cruelest of the cruel, which is that our ex-nanny, out of work and with no means of support since everyone in her family is also out of work and on assistance, is pregnant by her boyfriend who is a drug addict and soon to be inmate also with no job and a 2 year old he doesn’t have custody of. Sure. SHE gets pregnant. Me, my friends going through IF, we’re struggling, not getting pregnant after thousands of dollars, miscarrying, enduring heartache after heartache. Apparently all we need is a crackhead boyfriend. That’s what we’ve been missing all along.

I can’t even go on about the unfairness of that situation or how we found out or the fallout it created.

All I can say now is I’m just so sad.

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11 thoughts on “Beginning of the End

  1. All of us here, love, all of you over there, so very much. Hope seems to be the one things that makes the impossible, possible, so, until we hear from you on Friday, we’ll continue to hope with your family. xxxxooooo, all of us

  2. Oh honey. 😦 I was so hoping for good news. I’ll keep flying my banner of hope high, because I know you can’t. No matter what happens on friday, I’m here, sending love, peace and holding you all in my heart.

  3. So unfair and so sucks! I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but I have been in the IF shoes and know there is nothing I can send but hugs and good thoughts. I am so sorry Kim. You have my number if you want to bitch about the universe for a bit. ❤

  4. I am so sorry. I had a similar experience my last IVF. My heart is with you, I know how terrible those scans are. I pray that your little one is the “rare” one that makes it. xxxx

  5. Rare can happen. Don’t you let go of that.

    Thinking the worst isn’t going to prepare you and make bad news any easier to accept. If it goes wrong, it will be devastating, no way around it.

    Hold on to hope for a few more days.

    I am so very sorry about the news.

  6. Here from LFCA.

    I am so sorry.

    There is nothing fair about infertility and loss. I am so, so sorry. I will hope for a miracle, because they DO happen.

  7. Pingback: Little Stars « Where Love and Chaos Reign

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