Miscarriages do funny things to people. Not funny haha. Funny as in they behave in ways you may not expect. I think in some ways when someone goes through something like a miscarriage people show their true colors.
The past week I’ve experienced silence I never expected. The friend who has herself experienced a miscarriage and is currently pregnant from an IVF cycle in which I held her hand through the entire process has yet to say a word to me. My parents have been content to only get updates through H, sending one lone email about how it’s still safe to talk to them, but not checking in with me once. My brother (although it IS possible he doesn’t know, if he hasn’t read his email from H and my parents haven’t told him, but I’m not totally sure). Friends who seemed like they were there all of a sudden can’t manage a text to say “I’m sorry.” And I get, sometimes people just don’t know what to say. But saying nothing at all feels more damaging and lonely than saying the wrong thing. Although if anyone decides to say “it wasn’t meant to be” I might have to slug them.
But the kindness? The kindness has been immeasurable. From Dr. A., who performed Friday’s scan and was so sincerely sad for us. To nurse S who has been there for hugs after both scans and didn’t let go until I did. To M, who came out for a picnic lunch with her daughter and was content to just let me sit there in silence. To B and L who constantly checked in to see how I was doing. To friends of friends, like K, who sincerely grieve with you, having been there and never wanting anyone to have to go through what they have.
To J, a new friend, herself pregnant and battling severe morning sickness, who felt so helpless and so heartbroken for me she texted me to tell me she’d left something on my porch. And I went downstairs to find this:
. Left with a card that said, simply, “There is nothing to say. there is nothing to do. No uplifting words of encouragement will change a thing. But, I had to do something. I am here. I am thinking of you. You are in my prayers. Your friend, J.”
The silence hurts. But the kindness. The kindness is overwhelming.