So. Monday was my birthday. I thought I would write on my birthday. But I couldn’t come up with a single good thing to say. Except that I woke up and my kids had made me birthday cards. They are the best.

The rest of the week so far has been busy. I’ve had to interview new nannies, and while that sounds quite glamorous it really isn’t. We’ve found nannies to be along the same price point as drop in day care for what we need and I’d rather them be at home with someone who’s going to pay attention to their needs a little while longer before they are in school in a sea of other faces. We’ve had appointments, dentists, pictures, that sort of thing.

I did almost go to the ER on Sunday, due to some SERIOUS cramping that had me doubled over on the couch. I have a very high pain tolerance, so me doubled over is something to pay attention to. A call to the doctor and she advised adding 800mg of motrin to my darv.ocet which took the edge off long enough for whatever was pissing off my uterus to stop it already.

Saturday we had a little birthday bbq with some friends. One of whom is very very pregnant. And H’s ex-girlfriend. That was fun. The ex-gf part doesn’t bother me so much, but the pregnant part is hard. Especially since she’s not said a single “I’m sorry” about what I’ve been going through.

But for the most part, it’s been low key. And then. Today. I woke up feeling crappy. Figuring it’s just all the hormonal changes. I take a shower, only to realize – I’m actually lactating. I wasn’t even pregnant for 8 full weeks. How the hell is this happening? I stand in the shower and burst into tears. And it’s a double whammy, because I struggled so hard with the twins to even make it to 5 1/2 months due to the severe anemia affecting my supply. To see it now, after this nightmare?

I had read that it was possible, but I figured that it probably only happens with later losses. I hadn’t thought about the fact that my body has been here before, and is probably running on some sort of sense memory. I started researching herbal ways to dry things up, and it was just all too much.

So yeah. It’s my birthday (ok, it was on Monday), and I’ll cry if I want to.


7 thoughts on “Unbirthday

  1. Happy birthday to you. I wish we were celebrating all that is right and well deserved.

    What a blow. I cant imagine. Sleep with a sports bra. I think they even told me to wear two? Keep them as close to bound as you can bear.

  2. Oh, K. First of all, happy birthday. Or, at the very least, birthday. The lactation must have been heartbreaking–how unfair is that? And the pain. Ugh. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. It will get better.

  3. The shittiest of all discoveries my dear friend. Fuck this whole process. I’m sorry that it’s such a slow healing beast. You’re amazing for the great job you’ve done in it all so far. I’m glad that we got to spend your birthday with you and you know if you ever need to cry, we’re not far away.

  4. Crappy birthday. I sincerely hope there is much more to celebrate next year, and far fewer practical jokes from your own body.

    My un-due date is 9 days before my next birthday. That should be a fun one too.

  5. Pingback: Things that make me cry « Where Love and Chaos Reign

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