Impact

My friend Roccie said it best to me yesterday – sometimes bracing for something makes it hurt even more.

I love my nephew. I love that he loves me now, and wants to hang out with me. I love that when he comes and visits he wants to ride in auntie’s car instead of with mommy and daddy. I love the way he came running last July and yelled “AUNT K!!!!” and threw his arms around me. I love my brother. I love my sister-in-law.

I love them all even in the face of the fact that my parents treat them and my nephew completely differently than they treat my family. And mostly, it’s how they treat the kids. Sure, my brother’s family lives in the same city and we’re 500 miles away. But we’re a one-hour plane ride; a 6 hour drive. My parents didn’t meet the twins until they were 9 weeks old, and only because we drove there for my brother’s wedding. My parents last visited us almost two years ago. We go down once a year, and while we stay with them, we likely would choose otherwise if it were an option that didn’t require starting WWIII.

So when my brother called yesterday to talk about our upcoming annual trip, I didn’t think much about it. We chit chatted about whether we were staying at mom and dad’s, what days we would do Dis.ney, how many days we’d be there, etc… I happened to be on a little yarn trip with J and we had just pulled into the parking lot when my brother says,

“So, are you ready to be an aunt again?”

My heart stopped. The rest of the conversation is a blur. Something about symptoms and POAS and having already told mom and dad.

See, I knew this was coming. Sometime this year. When my brother and I talked in November he mentioned they would start trying after the New Year. She went off BCPs in January.

Sigh. The only negative pregnancy test my brother and sister-in-law have ever seen is when they were in college and they thought she might have “oops” gotten pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I have no wishes for them (or anyone else) to battle infertility. It just all seems so random and unfair. Why is it so easy for them? While my sisters in this show are battling BFNs and losses by the truckload? Where is the sense in it? Why am I not hugely pregnant and uncomfortable staring down the barrel of an impending due date?

I knew this was coming. I braced for it. And it hurts like hell.

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7 thoughts on “Impact

  1. Life sucks and is unfair, so we will be sad, jealous and envious and cry and wonder AND love the heck out of the new baby when it gets here. Cause to do anything else would be to deny ourselves the ability to feel what we are feeling and because that is all we can do! I love you

  2. There is no way to mitigate a blow like that. Anyone in the trenches of infertility can write you a dissertation on the complexities of receiving a pregnancy announcement from someone you love. I know for me, it’s not that I want them to be like me, it’s that I want me to be like them. It’s just not fair that some have to work so hard and sacrifice so much while others get a free pass. I hate that you had to hear that news without your own baby belly to ease the pain. Sending big hugs your way.

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