Sigh

Our old nanny.

Our friend’s sister.

A few women from a message board I post to.

My co-worker

Are there others? (I like this question. They ask it in church during the prayers for the people for congregants to add the thoughts of those who fit into a category of people we are doing special prayers for).

All of these people are ones who are either due to have a baby any day or literally just had one. These are all people who got pregnant right around the same time as I did. These are all people who are taking or have taken home babies.

The other day, randomly, I saw this guy outside my window. Well, it probably wasn’t THAT one, but the point is more that those guys don’t show up often anymore. They stopped showing up around my miscarriage and haven’t really been seen since. I remember when one showed up right before the D&C and it was damned lucky I didn’t have some sort of bb gun.

7 months since the D&C. And it still hurts like it was yesterday.

A friend of mine is a photographer. She asked me to crochet her a hat with earflaps (like this) and I wanted to do a test run before I decided on the specifics (yarn, pattern, etc…) so I did one last night. Infant size, of course. And I was struck by the irony of crocheting an infant hat the very week I won’t be bringing home a baby.

It won’t take much this week for me to cry. I’ve already cried a few times at work and it’s not even noon.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being indulgent. Like maybe I’m making too much of things and I should be over it by now. (Ducking, because I know that someone out there is going to take an air-swing at me). But I can’t change how I feel. I just do.

Please don’t tell me “at least I have N & J.” YES. I KNOW. Being sad doesn’t mean I’m not insanely grateful for what I have. But people don’t replace other people. Or even potential other people. N & J are everything to me.

I don’t even know really what to do with myself this week. For my One Little Word project for March, we are supposed to be doing something that represents our word on a specific date this month. I have known all along the date I would do something, but now that the date is upon me, I’m still not sure what to do.

So I’ll probably be here, doing the same things I always do, just quieter.

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3 thoughts on “Sigh

  1. Nothing but love and support for you this week my friend. I know that you have an amazing family who will be there to walk you through it as well. You know I’m around 24/7 for talk, tears or just quiet time. Love you xoxo

  2. I am ready to talk real time too.

    Comments and this and that are good, but a quiet sound on the other end of the line when you sob is what helped me best.

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