Letting It Go

I had a big post in my head about some drama that had gone on here, complete with indignation and defensiveness. And it had consumed much of my Wendesday, and when I finally said my final piece on the issue, it was almost time to switch gears to N’s final game of his 2nd t-ball season. And I made a decision. I let it go. Even though it wasn’t going to go away, I was going to “unplug,” which for me is put my phone away, and not think at all about whether a response was coming or bracing for if it did.

We got out to the ball field and I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t touch it. I had the camera in hand because I wanted to make sure I got the last at bat, the last plays, of his season recorded. And it was so much fun. He played first base and made a great jumping catch and even surprised himself! He has so much joy and love for the game, and he is so proud of himself when he makes a play that it’s hard not to just smile the whole time I watch him.

He played pitcher, the other “prime” position, and made it to first on all three of his at-bats. And he smiled the whole time, despite it being 94 degrees and late in the day and him having his first practice for his summer league right after the game.

By then, by the time J and I headed home to get dinner ready for everyone, the drama didn’t matter. It was a waste of energy. Why bother dwelling on the negative, on someone who doesn’t like me or want to be friends with me, when I have so much to be joyful for?

I have a hard time letting negative stuff go. I dwell on why things happen and if something is going to happen, and I turn things over in my head a million times to try and figure out what to do or how to fix or how to avoid whatever the negative stuff is.

But how can you focus on the negative when there’s a little guy giving high fives with both feet off the ground in celebration of an out made on the last game of the season? Doesn’t he deserve to have me focused right then on how happy he is and be proud of him?

I do tend to dwell on the negative, to be a glass half-empty. And it’s a hard pattern to come out of, because there’s so much that fulfills those expectations sometimes. And it reminds me of this quote from Brene Brown:

Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in moments – often ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because we’re too busy chasing down the extraordinary moments. Other times we’re so afraid of the dark that we don’t dare let ourselves enjoy the light.

I’m working hard to enjoy the light. And let go of fear of the dark.

And teach them how to do the same.

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