It’s been quiet around here. I apologize for that. I feel like I can’t write unless I have something profound or interesting to say. And I haven’t felt very profound or interesting recently. We have been moving along this summer, and I see the big date looming closer and closer for the twins to go to Kindergarten. I think about things like buying them uniforms and holding J as she cries for me not to leave her there (I KNOW this will happen, trust me) while I promise she’ll have fun and want to come back. I think of how this is the summer everything changes for my kids, and for us, as we move from parents of little ones to parents of school kids.
I think of all of these things. Of a year ago waiting for our FET transfer hoping to have a little brother or sister to help see the twins off on their first day of school. I wonder if it would have made the school transition easier on me if last year’s FET had worked like it was supposed to. No, it’s not really about me, but that doesn’t mean the thought of walking up and handing my children off to their kindergarten teacher doesn’t fill me with joy, fear, dread, and wonder.
I think I’m just spending my summer trying to beg time to stop, or at the very least, slow down. I know I can’t stop them from growing up and not being my babies anymore. But I’m not ready. They’re only five. And barely five at that. They aren’t old enough to be in school, to have to start thinking and worrying about bullies or teasing or homework or fitting in. They’re babies.
I look at my son and I delight in his pure joy at the world around him. He dances with complete abandon, smiles and makes friends as is everyone is his best friend, and he loves with his whole heart. I pray that school encourages this; that we continue to encourage this. I fear that school will dampen his spirit.
I look at my daughter and I see determination, ingenuity, and stubbornness. She is persistent and resourceful and I see so much strength in her. I pray that school allows her the space to grow and learn and encourages her to use these skills. I fear teachers will see her as disruptive because she is so eager to participate.
I love my children more than life. I know that I’ve done everything I can in order for them to be successful in school. They’ve had socialization opportunities; we have worked with them at home; I read to them every day; we try and make all sorts of things learning opportunities. They have a genuine love of learning and I want that developed and not destroyed.
This is a huge transition, and not just for the twins. Sometimes I look over at my pictures of them and our various family events and I just want to encircle all of us with a bubble. I understand now why some parents homeschool (although it’s not right for our family). I watch the neighborhood children and I wonder how much my kids will change as a result of school. I want them so badly to continue to be the sweet, loving, challenging, spirited children they are. Those in my close circle of friends know I do not do change well. At all. And I’m doing my best not to transfer that dogged distrust of change to my children.
So for now, I’ll tell them how wonderful and amazing school is going to be and pray that come August 24th, I can wait until I get back to the car before I cry.