And then it wasn’t

I know I know.  It’s been awhile.  Is it ok to say I’ve had an excuse?  A note from my doctor maybe?

I’m going on week three of the headache that won’t quit.  It’s centered in my neck and some days it makes it really difficult to focus.  I have an appointment for the chiropractor next week.

But mostly this month was supposed to be about starting to TTC again.  Jumping back on the roller coaster after the break from the summer.  And between the donated sperm and the donated meds (courtesy of some amazing friends) and the new year this was supposed to be the cycle that was brought to you by love and magic and pixie dust (and a little bit o’ science).

Instead it’s the cycle that’s been cancelled due to a crappy lining.

Not really the best way to start the new year.  Today is CD 10 and my ovaries looked perfect.  3 or 4 good follicles ready to go, with a couple of stragglers.  Even my shriveled left ovary decided to do more than play possum this cycle.  She measured my lining twice.  5.7mm.  For reference, on trigger day, they want to see AT LEAST 7, preferably 8mm, and even INCIID says “over 6”.

I saw one of the NPs, and given my general disdain for the way this clinic handles patients in general (it’s the only one my insurance covers but it’s very impersonal, they’re always running close to 45 minutes behind, and they subject women to 24 hours between blood draws and beta results, just to name a few things), I was surprised that I actually really liked her.  Not only was she incredibly compassionate, but she seemed MUCH more knowledgeable than the other NP I’ve seen there, and she gave me her direct line to call her after I’d made a decision whether or not to go forward with the cycle rather than pushing me to make an immediate decision.  She spent about 10 minutes in her office with me after I’d spent some time talking to H on the phone and crying alone in the exam room.

She was incredibly sensitive when I asked what she would do in my situation, and while I cried explaining how we’d had three cycles and two losses and I didn’t want to set myself up for another.  She bears a strong resemblance, in both look and demeanor, to the mother of my childhood best friend and this instantly made me feel at ease with her.  If I could, I’d request to see her at all of my appointments, and I may try.  She may just redeem the clinic for me.  I very much miss my old nurse coordinator at my previous clinic – the one who called me after my miscarriage just to check on me, the one who waited for me after my last ultrasound just so she could hug me and cry with me.   Part of what I hate about this clinic is the very “assembly line” feel it has to it, and the fact that I feel like the doctors don’t even read my chart before walking into the exam room.

So.  A cancelled cycle.  That’s one I haven’t had before.  Taking it in was harder than I expected, and being hopped up on hormones and having been in pain every day for three weeks didn’t help.   Tonight, I’ll do the trigger shot, because the NP is concerned if I don’t that I may end up with cysts that would cancel next month’s cycle as well.  Not that the trigger is 100% effective, but leaving the follicles to their own devices increases the risk.

It’s difficult today to see the bigger picture.  It only feels like another month going by.  Another month closer to my next birthday when they already talk to me in hushed tones about “being over 35.”  So tonight.  I wallow.  And tomorrow.  Well, tomorrow I guess I’ll feel what I feel tomorrow.

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11 thoughts on “And then it wasn’t

  1. I am sorry. Man do I hate the cancellations. Additional ups and downs on an already way too exciting ride.

    Ovaries are your ticket, aren’t they? I am so glad to hear they respond so well.

    Take care of that pretty, shiny head.

  2. Sorry about the cancellation… And your clinic experience. 😦 We had a great experience with them, maybe they have just gotten too busy? I hope your next cycle is ‘the one’! Big hugs my friend.

    • Carey,
      Thanks. As for the clinic, I think your wife being a dr on staff changes how you get treated. They definitely change tune when I mention your names, and the NP I saw yesterday (Theresa Clayton) may change everything for me. The 24 hours between beta and results is ridiculous and awful, and Dr. Vu actually spent an entire appointment with me talking about obtaining my husband’s sample and tried to send me out the door with a specimen cup, despite me correcting him. It’s just frustrating not to have a choice.

  3. I am so sorry. Every negative outcome sucks, but there’s something extra crappy about never even getting to try, especially when you’ve already pumped yourself full of expensive, hormone-altering drugs. Do they have a plan to help plump up your lining next time? Guess this month’s follie wasn’t meant to join your family, which means the right one is still out there waiting for you. xo.

  4. I actually just tried to “like” Heidi’s response. On fb too much? Yes, yes I think so. I love you and I know you well enough to know that you are blaming yourself somewhere in there and feeling overly sorry and I hate that. I am so sorry that you had to cancel this cycle and instead of adding my silver lining “but” I am just going to end it there. I am so sorry friend. You know how to find me if you need to talk ❤

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