Done

We’ve decided to close the door on TTC. There are a lot of reasons we’ve made this decision, but as a really good friend told me, I don’t have to rationalize or justify our decisions. They just are, and I need to own them. So please don’t ask why or give me other ideas or say you hope we might change our minds one day.

We started trying to get pregnant a year before the twins were actually conceived. And from the moment they were born we started planning for the FET with the embryos we had left from that cycle. Two years ago we transferred three, got pregnant, and subsequently miscarried those three. Not long after that we decided to try IUI’s. A year ago I got pregnant, only to lose that one as well. This year has held three disastrous cycles, two cancelled and one “perfect” cycle that ended in a devastating BFN.

Infertility and TTC have been constant companions of ours for over 7 years. From the moment we started trying in August of 2004 to now, not a day has gone by that there hasn’t been planning, wondering, budgeting, hoping, coordinating, testing, crying, and all the other things that go along with this process. I’m not even sure I know what a day looks like that doesn’t have infertility or TTC in it. Through it all we’ve been gifted the joy of two amazing little human beings. My family deserves better than a mom and wife so focused on TTC that she loses her focus on the family that’s here.

This song is so often my go-to when I’m feeling like I don’t know which way to turn. This morning, on the way in to work, I heard it with new ears. At this point in my life, the “you” in the song is trying to conceive. And at this point in my life I’m saying goodbye.

“Brave” – Idina Menzel
Don’t know just where I’m going
and tomorrow is a little overwhelming
and the air is cold and I’m not the same anymore
I’ve been running in your direction for too long now
I’ve lost my own reflection
and I can’t look down if you’re not there to catch me when I fall

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it’s my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
at least it’s the first day of the rest of my life
I can’t be afraid ’cause it’s my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted was to be the light when your life was daunting
but I can’t see mine when I feel as though you’re pushing me away
Well, who’s to blame?
Are we making the right choices?
‘Cause we can’t be sure if we’re hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it’s my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
at least it’s the first day of the rest of my life
I can’t be afraid ’cause it’s my turn to be brave

and I might still cry
and I might still bleed
these thorns in my side
this heart on my sleeve
and lightning may strike this ground at my feet
and I might still crash
but I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside everything I own
I might be afraid but it’s my turn to be brave

If this is the last time before we say goodbye
at least it’s the first day of the rest of my life
I can’t be afraid it’s my turn to be brave

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11 thoughts on “Done

  1. I think it takes just as much courage to say “We’re done. We can’t do this anymore.” as it does to say “Let’s try.” I love you and believe, whole-heartedly, that you are doing what’s best for you, for H, and for the kids. Please know that I am here for you. Always.

  2. I love more than you will ever know!! I have the family I have always dreamed of and am married to the love of my life!! I feel very blessed

  3. All I’ll say is that I love you my friend and I’ll be here to help you adjust to what will be a whole new way of living for you. You are strong and will find your way ❤

  4. This makes a lot of sense to me. TTC is such an exhausting and all-consuming process that I can see this decision bringing a lot of peace. I was daydreaming recently about one day knowing that we are done with TTC and being able to give away all of the baby clothes/gear/books in the basement. And maybe one day getting rid of the TTC thoughts that rattle around in my head all the time. It sounds like this decision will bring you peace (though it also may include some grieving first)

  5. ttc really does become an all-consuming obsession. sounds like you’ve made the right choice for you and your family. wishing you lots of peace and happiness as a perfectly-sized family of four.

  6. You’re absolutely right – you don’t have to justify your decision to anyone. And can I say that pajamamommas is right (well, in my experience at least) – you’ll need to grieve the results of this decision. And it might hurt more for a while before it hurts less. And it probably will never completely stop hurting – there will always be reminders. But – again in my experience – those Ouch! moments gradually disappear, and become quite rare, as the joys of life take over.

    Wishing you the very best.

  7. You are not alone. As much as it is hard to close the door someone else is learning, growing and crying with you. Tears of joy, tears of sadness and tears of frustration. You are a great example of a fighter, survivor…a mother. Your passion, love of people and drive will help open doors and push boundaries.

  8. Thinking of you and know how you feel… I’m heading there too. Your words “My family deserves better than a mom and wife so focused on TTC that she loses her focus on the family that’s here.” are so true… and what is in the back of my mind all the time. You’re a brave and compassionate mum… thinking of you at this difficult time. Love always xoxo

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