Figuring It Out

The thing is, there’s not much out there that talks about stopping treatments when you already have kids. There are blogs about living child-free, but most of the secondary infertility blogs at some point become pregnancy blogs again.

So I guess I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel. And I know, I know, there’s no “supposed to.” But it’s difficult to find any level of “community” or someone who really “gets it” because what’s out there just doesn’t click with me. And there’s only so long I can sort through the “Secondary Infertility” section of Mel’s blogroll because every blog seems to come up as pregnant or still trying. That’s not me anymore.

We had money left in flex spending that we had allocated for TTC. Since it’s use it or lose it I knew if we made the decision to stop I’d be scheduling LASIK surgery. I’ve worn glasses for 25 years. Surgery was this last Thursday, and paying for the surgery was the final nail. I turned over my TTC money to a doctor with a laser and closed the door.

I’m not saying I am second guessing or regretting our decision. I guess it’s just processing the finality of it all. I’ve got 20/20 vision but I can’t quite yet see how things are supposed to look right now. There are plans for experiences on the horizon, things that TTC would have not made possible, but as I sat at N’s baseball game yesterday next to the family with the brand new baby, I couldn’t help but think that will never be us again.

And even knowing the path is the right one doesn’t take the sting of that away.


8 thoughts on “Figuring It Out

  1. While I don’t love the content of the post, I love that you wrote it. You are so right; there isn’t a lot out there. I feel like there are people like me who are in limbo. But I can only think of one other blogger who stopped family building before she was ready to be done, and she closed her blog. You need to keep writing about this.

  2. It is a real honor to bear witness to what you are experiencing. I hope that doesn’t sound voyeuristic or as if I’m neglecting the difficulty of the place in time you are in. I just can’t think of a better way to tell you how strong I think you are, or how in awe I (always) am of your ability to articulate the intangibles. I’ve been a lousy commenter lately but I’ve been reading along and aching with you so much during these past couple of months. I have not been in your shoes, but there have been enough moments where I earnestly feared I might be for me to say without a moment’s hesitation that declaring an end point and walking away would be the single hardest step of All Things TTC for me to take. You are a brave, powerful, judicious woman, whether you feel all of those things right now or not, and you are an exceptional mother who has made a heartbreakingly selfless decision in service to your family. I’m deeply sorry you had to make it and I’m sending all the strength and wishes for peace your way that I can get my hands on. xo

  3. It was fortuitious that I found this post I think. As I’ve discovered, even about me (why not, I’m human) infertility and child-rearing makes us self-centered. So I’ve been struggling also with the end of TTC. Except for me, I wasn’t even TTC. Then a few months ago, I unexpectedly got pregnant (after IVF this wasn’t supposed to be possible.) So yes, I have a son from IVF. And I thought I was good with that. And then I conceived (on accident) with my husband. And then I got hopeful while also scared. And then I miscarried at 13 weeks due to chromosomal abnormalities. And now I’ve been thrown back into this shitty place that I thought I left a couple years ago- wanting another kid. And the worst part is I don’t know if I actually want one, or if I’ve been seduced by the thought that the impossible is now possible. Adding to my ambivalence as a full-time working mom of a two year old that’s trying desperately to keep my shit together is that my husband does NOT want any more. So, I guess my choice is made. But damn, why doesn’t my HEART realize that?!

  4. Thank you so much for this. I have felt the same way with secondary fertility blogs. I don’t blog about our struggles but I really appreciate it when others are able to put their feelings about something so hard and personal out there. We had no trouble conceving our now 5 year old but have suffered 3 miscarriages since then. I just don’t think it’s in me to keep trying. We do love our child and are very content with our lives, but that doesn’t stop the deep longing and the stupid questions from others about when we will give our child a sibling.

  5. Here from the round-up

    For me, the finality doesn’t really feel final. That’s the problem. We decided we were done trying and my daughter put the guilt trip on my husband and we did a round of IVF, which didn’t work. So we were done again, but I can’t keep the thoughts of another baby out of my head for more than a little while. The door is closed. It’s not going to happen. But I’m only 42, so there’s always a little bit of maybe…

    So, yes, you’re not alone.

  6. I agree with you… You’re not alone. We have two children conceived through IVF. We really tried to have a third, but we haven’t succeeded. We had agree that we would have one final fresh cycle last Nov. which of course failed. Now we’re done… I am still trying to wrap my head around that decision/result. So hard….

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