The thing is, there’s not much out there that talks about stopping treatments when you already have kids. There are blogs about living child-free, but most of the secondary infertility blogs at some point become pregnancy blogs again.
So I guess I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to feel. And I know, I know, there’s no “supposed to.” But it’s difficult to find any level of “community” or someone who really “gets it” because what’s out there just doesn’t click with me. And there’s only so long I can sort through the “Secondary Infertility” section of Mel’s blogroll because every blog seems to come up as pregnant or still trying. That’s not me anymore.
We had money left in flex spending that we had allocated for TTC. Since it’s use it or lose it I knew if we made the decision to stop I’d be scheduling LASIK surgery. I’ve worn glasses for 25 years. Surgery was this last Thursday, and paying for the surgery was the final nail. I turned over my TTC money to a doctor with a laser and closed the door.
I’m not saying I am second guessing or regretting our decision. I guess it’s just processing the finality of it all. I’ve got 20/20 vision but I can’t quite yet see how things are supposed to look right now. There are plans for experiences on the horizon, things that TTC would have not made possible, but as I sat at N’s baseball game yesterday next to the family with the brand new baby, I couldn’t help but think that will never be us again.
And even knowing the path is the right one doesn’t take the sting of that away.