I’m almost to the end of week 2 of the couch to 5k program. And what happens? I get sick. J shared her cold with me and now I’m miserable. I actually ran yesterday, the first day of the cold (and incidentally, cd 1) but I’m glad today was a rest day because I’m completely useless. I’m less than thrilled about having to shove another rest day into my week but I’m afraid if I don’t rest up another day I may end up having to repeat the week altogether. And that’s not on my list of “to-do’s”.
Today was a therapy day. I talked a lot about my goals for running, and she stopped me at the end when I was talking about yesterday’s run: sick, cd 1, and still I got up at 5:30 to do my workout. She asked me if I had acknowledged what a big deal this was. I suppose I hadn’t. I’d only been worried about whether or not I broke 2 miles.
More importantly, though, she helped me see something. One of the things I’ve been worried about is whether or not my body would work for me; do what I wanted it to do. And every ache in my left knee gives me doubts. But she said something that for some reason I hadn’t thought of: Runners experience injury all the time. Rarely are they injuries that force them to give up running altogether. Running isn’t like TTC. I don’t have to give it up because I break. Being broken just pauses running, it doesn’t usually end it forever.
I think the hardest part of dealing with infertility is how broken it leaves you. I have so little trust and faith in my own body, and honestly I’m not sure I ever had much to begin with. But so far I’ve got 13 miles under my belt, and that’s only in two weeks. That’s nothing to sneeze at!
I’m not sure what direction this blog is headed. I need to write, for my own sanity. Does this become a self-improvement blog? A parenting blog? Some combination of the that along with writing about anything that sparks me?
What I do know is that I can’t keep writing about infertility. Maybe this is why the blogs that have headed down this path shut down. Maybe this is why nobody’s talking about what it feels like to give up when you aren’t ready. Because it keeps infertility and TTC at the forefront of your life when the thing you want to do is put it away. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean that we aren’t hiding people on face.book or running to hide the tears when there’s a new baby around. But at some point that pain has to give way to joy, and living in the pain day in and day out is too much. It’s too hard. There’s too much to be present for to continually be lost in what might have been.
This isn’t easy. Finding a space too allow myself to be hurt and angry and sad and yet doing things positive for myself, to allow myself to grow and change and figure out who I am when I’m not trying to make babies. I feel like I’m rewriting who I am, redefining what it means to be me in many ways. It’s scary. In some ways though, I feel really excited to see what I can do. To provide an example for my kids that I can be proud of. To be someone they can be proud of.
On the day the twins were born, a song came on the radio on our way to the hospital. On the day we went to pick N up from the NICU and bring him home, the same song came on the radio. Today, I heard a bit of that song on the XM radio station I was listening to. I see it as the kids’ song, but maybe they’ll share it with me.