You know, I really felt like I was doing ok. I was focusing on running, on home life, on work. Thinking about my trip to Atlanta coming up in a month to visit Lori and planning 4th of July fun.
Then, the other night, all my hard work came crashing in on me. I was putting together a video for H of her and the kids and all the old pictures, all the videos of the twins as itty bitty babies, it just got to be too much. I questioned everything. The decision to stop. The decision to wait so long before we did the initial FET (did the embryos go bad before we transferred them?), the decision to stop doing IUIs after the test results came back, the decision not to pursue IVF. All of it. Right then, in that moment, all I wanted was to be TTC again. No, not TTC, but succeeding at TTC. Pregnant, or with a new baby.
In that moment all I saw were the multitudes of pregnant women (and girls – ugh) around me; in my circle of friends and acquaintances. Even celebrities were taunting me with their easy to come by baby bumps. I wandered around the house with J following me (she was helping me choose pictures) hiding my face so she couldn’t see the tears. I felt ashamed of myself.
I don’t know how to fix this. I’m running. And it’s hard. And getting harder. And I’m ok with that because I want it to be hard and I want to push myself. Unfortunately I want it to take over, too, and push out the bad thoughts about TTC. And I know I’m not being fair to myself, I know it takes time, I know all of this. But when it hits and it hits hard like that, I want a quick fix. Something to take it away. If I wasn’t still building stamina and figuring things out (plus home alone with the kids) I might have stepped out and gone for a run to shake it off. But I’m not there yet. So I find myself in this perpetual limbo. I’m not ok with not TTC yet, and I’m not adept enough at my escape to use it as my go-to when I need it.
I’m angry at myself for a lot of things. I’m angry for feeling so down about the way things have gone with TTC when I have so much to be happy for. I’m angry that I let myself get so out of shape that now that I need the release of something exercise related to lift me out of this space it isn’t there for me. I feel like I’ve let myself down and let my family down. I feel like I need to find something to make it so they have something to be proud of me for.
I feel like I need to find something to be proud of myself for.
Week three, day 2, here I come.