In Between

I’m here. Not much going on I guess, so I feel like I don’t have much to write about. Training has been practically non existent the past few weeks. Between work and a few days where I haven’t felt well and commitments we had, I felt pretty thwarted. But this week I register for my half marathon, and I’m hoping to sit down and actually map out a schedule that takes all that stuff into account.

Work has been insane. I’m basically either running from meeting to meeting with no time in between or doing research for all the things I still need to learn since I’m working to supervise a unit I’ve not worked in before. I come home exhausted, and it’s all I can do to take care of the laundry and the basics for the kids until bedtime, and if I’m lucky I get a run in on the treadmill. Then it’s pretty much time for bed myself. I have books I’ve bought but haven’t read, knitting I need to start, and a house that barely passes for semi-clean.

It’s hard not to feel like I’m totally failing at this working parent thing. I’m constantly tired, and it doesn’t help that J is exceptionally frustrating these days. Sassy and full of attitude, I spend a considerable amount of time trying to rein her in. She’s just so different from N, who is sweet and always tries to do the right thing. J pushes the limits constantly. It’s really hard to feel like I connect with her on something – like not writing on their playroom table for example – only to discover she’s done it again.

On top of it, the big things seem to happen while I’m at work. The kids are both riding on two wheels now, and I got videos from the first times they were successful. They’ve stopped fighting over who gets to have me walk them to class – to the point where I’m not sure they really care if I do it at all anymore.

Infertility still weaves its way in there, especially when I struggle to watch the kids move further and further into being schoolkids. It comes in waves when I watch them run to embrace friends on the playground without even so much as a second look in my direction. It washes over when an invitation for a baby shower comes in or I see a runner with a jogging stroller. Sometimes it passes quickly, like half a thought that doesn’t even require attention. Other times it takes my breath away.

I feel like I’m in between a lot of things right now. In between infertility and moving on. In between starting to be a runner and really being one. In between whatever my career was before and whatever it’s turning into.

In between. In between feeling like I’m doing a decent job at parenting and feeling like I’m failing miserably.

I haven’t blogged much, I know. I guess right now I’m just not sure what to say. All of a sudden now it’s 10pm and my alarm goes off in 8 hours and if I wanted to I could still come up with two or three hours worth of things to do. Instead I’ll put the dishes away, flip the laundry, and go to bed and try again tomorrow.

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One thought on “In Between

  1. First of all. You ARE a runner. Don’t define yourself as trying to be a runner. You love it. You’re a runner.

    But man, do I know that feeling of failing miserably at everything. And IF, and the negotiation with Lucky right now, and just being so freaking TIRED ALL THE TIME… yeah. I’m with you, girl.

    The one thing I’ve done, and not sure if it’ll work for you, but I always left an hour after bedtime for catch up, and I got up early to get my run in. Always helped me energy levels, even when my alarm was ringing at 4:30 – there’s something about even a half hour run that really helps prep you, mentally, for the day. Trying to get it done when i was exhausted at the end of the day? Didn’t work for me.

    Just a thought. In the meantime, hang in there. Hugs.

    xoxo

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