No, You.

It’s the time of year in the infertility community when Mel puts out her call for submission for the Crème de la crème. If you’re not familiar with this annual collection, you should really check it out. It’s an amazing clearinghouse for the best of the best out there in the infertility blogs, submitted by the writers of the posts themselves.

I started to go through my posts from this year and I was paralyzed by what to submit. I have a clear frontrunner, but my problem isn’t really deciding what to or not to submit. My problem came when I realized this will likely be my very last crème de la crème submission.

I’ve been going through a low point the last week or so. I haven’t been running enough or eating right. I’ve been pining over baby pictures of the twins, wondering where the time went as I struggle daily with managing J’s sass and N’s emotions. Time is marching on. J’s almost done with her first soccer season, Christmas is coming, basketball season for N is right on its heels. The kids keep talking about being excited for 2013 because they’ll turn 7.

7.

I still have meds in the refrigerator. My plastic bin filled with syringes, a sharps container, and alcohol wipes is in the cupboard untouched since my last BFN. I haven’t cycled since March. Since giving up, people I know have had babies and are due to have babies very soon. I still have people hidden on facebook. Certain things are still too raw to look at or talk about.

My blog reader looks a lot different than it used to. The infertility blogs I have in there are mostly blogs of folks I consider friends, even if all we’ve ever done is exchange comments or facebook posts. No more random people I don’t know. I have about as many running blogs now as I do infertility ones. Some parenting blogs, especially two-mom parenting blogs.

I read Mel’s blog more for her writing than anything else these days. But I feel more and more disconnected from the roundup and LFCA because I’m not in those trenches, and it triggers an almost PTSD kind of response from me to read through them all.

I guess I’m not totally sure where I’m going with this. I haven’t submitted my Crème de la crème post because submitting it feels like it adds a sense of finality to this year. The year I gave up. Trust me, I know there’s more about this year than having given up. But in terms of participating in the “community” per se, this feels like it’s kind of it for me. I’ll always be here for those who know me and for those who need someone to talk to about deciding to walk away from treatment.

Mel always tells us to submit our posts early. It helps her from an organization standpoint, and it also makes it so us forgetful folks don’t leave it until the last minute. I usually try to. But I’m stalling this year. I’m playing the “no, you hang up” game with infertility. I don’t want to be defined by my infertility any more, but it’s been part of my identity for a really long time. The holidays will be hard, because there were so many more expectations for what things would look like this year. So I’m just not totally ready to submit my post to Mel. I keep going back to my best posts (anyone interested in weighing in?) and pretending I just can’t decide which one to submit. This may be the year I wait until the very last minute.

No. You hang up.

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5 thoughts on “No, You.

  1. Great fucking post. I really can feel a little closer to where you are right now.

    I chose my submission to help the next family down the DE path. Perhaps you could chose one that serves, vs a post you feel most connected with? Just an idea.

    I think about you a lot. The finality I have been able to enjoy in choosing to wrap up my family. God how I wish you could feel it. It is just a different game when someone hands you that decision.

    Doesnt make your family any less. I am not writing that to TELL you that, but writing it to say I really get it, er, you know what I mean.

    I look forward to the day I pick you guys up at your aunts and you come over and try to convince me my dogs are not all that obnoxious.

    xoxoxo and I never say that shit.

  2. Finality is hard, but it’s your reality, you know?

    I feel REALLY strongly that there is space for infertiles like us in this community – the ones who have given up treatment, who have resolved our infertility without the neat ending of a baby that “completes our family.”

    This reality is messy, and painful, and raw. It’s about healing. And there NEEDS to be space in this community for this. Because it’s part of IF, part of the whole process.

    Submit it. And keep writing. Because next year? You’ll have something ELSE to submit. And I’m hoping it’s a post about finding peace in resolving your infertility, how you’ve found happiness in the here and now, even though it’ll always hurt.

    (And yes, it goes without saying that I hope that’s my own story, too.)

    xoxo

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