I’ve started and stopped about 5 posts in the past two weeks. I’m not really sure what my mental block is except that I feel like I’m standing in the middle of an intersection and every time I turn to go down a street a car comes zooming past me almost taking me out. So I turn and go the other direction, only to get another car thrown in front of me.
It’s this weird space, compounded by the time of year and a lot of babies and pregnant people in my world.
We tend to be the Thanksgiving hosts, because our house is big enough to hold everyone, and I think even though it’s a ton of work for H, she really enjoys cooking for everyone. I enjoy having everyone here, and spending time laughing and talking with friends. As we were cleaning up on Thursday, I went in to pull the wishbone out of the turkey so it could dry out a bit. I was stopped in my tracks as I was doing it because I recalled what last years wish was. This was supposed to be the year of the baby. We’d taken a few months off for financial reasons and were starting back up in January. We were supposed to be getting ready to have a baby now.
I’ve felt really stuck emotionally the past few weeks. And I’ve felt really stuck progress wise with respect to running. And I’m sure they’re related. I feel like I have this mental block that won’t let me see success at anything over the 10k distance. And my training runs have maxed out around 5 ½ miles. And technically, I’m right where I’m supposed to be based on the training program I’m following. But it seems like I should be further along than I am.
I guess that’s how I feel emotionally, too. I feel like it shouldn’t hurt that H’s best friend’s 21-year-old daughter just had a baby boy when she got “oops” pregnant with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. A high school friend just announced a pregnancy on facebook. Another just had a baby boy, her third child. Another friend is ready to pop.
And it still feels like it’s all just too much and too in my face. It was supposed to be my turn. It was supposed to be me wondering how J was going to handle the jealousy of being a big sister. It was supposed to be us figuring out the best way to get three carseats in my little Honda accord.
I felt a lot like running was supposed to fix all of this. To give me something else to focus on and make me forget all the pain and heartache of TTC these past few years. Closing the door on TTC was supposed to make it so that these things didn’t hurt so much.
At one point a little over a week ago I had an unbloggable conversation with a friend who made me think about options I hadn’t really considered as real options previously. And I’ve been stuck sitting in that possibility for days. It’s like someone handing you a frayed rope when you’ve accepted that drowning is the only fate you have in front of you.
I ran thanksgiving morning. Hard. I didn’t mean to, but when I run outside I push myself a lot faster than when I’m on the treadmill. By the time my 3.1 was over I’d run 30 seconds per mile faster than I normally do and run one of my fastest 5k’s ever. And I spent the day with my family and my best friend’s family and it was a really good day. And then I held the wishbone from the turkey in my hand and the only thing I could think to wish for this year on top of my standard wishes for everyone’s health and safety in the coming year, was peace.