Afraid. Standing on the precipice, waiting.

You see, in about three weeks, we’ll be back on the roller coaster. And as much as I want to write about it, I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to dissect every decision, every symptom. I don’t want to be consumed.

The anticipatory anxiety is difficult. The budget-crunching, schedule-managing, ‘holy-crap-are-we-really-going-to-do-this-again’ hit like knockout punches.

I WANT to do this. I just don’t really know how to navigate it all again. I feel a little like a fraud, having given up and saying we were done only to throw ourselves into it again.

I’m afraid to have hope, yet how do I proceed without it?

I have this weird, superstition that blogging through it all will somehow adversely affect the outcome, since I blogged through the last two-plus years of trying. It doesn’t seem to matter I blogged through getting pregnant with the twins and that turned out just fine.

I don’t know how much I want to put out into the universe. I don’t know if sharing will make it harder or easier in the long run.

I just feel the need to say it. Like a coming out of sorts. We’re trying again. Right now we’ve agreed to 6 or 7 IUI’s with meds and see where that leads us. We repeated all the requisite testing. The shocker was that everything came back perfect. We don’t know why, except that the only thing that changed was that I started running and eating better. My AMH went from .5 to 1.66 (where anything between 1.0 and 2.0 is desirable) and my FSH went from 11 to 7.7 (where anything under 8 is ideal). I know they say you’re only as good as your worst FSH. They also say AMH doesn’t change.

What it all says to me is we have a chance. Somewhere, in there, is a decent shot at it. Will it work? I have no idea. I hope it does. I hope beyond hope it works.

I don’t know if I’ll blog about it all. The way I feel right now, probably not. I feel this intense need to just keep it all close, and that feeling is something I can’t really explain right now. But I wanted you to know, partly because it feels wrong to keep the assumption going here that we aren’t actively TTC. Especially since I got a visit today from someone searching Mel’s blog for “stopping treatments.”

So that’s where things are at, and that’s why I’ve been so quiet the last few weeks. We’ve been working on the details and trying everything possible to keep the lines of communication open.

I ask one thing: if you know me outside of the computer or on facebook, please, please, please don’t share this information. This process is hard enough.

I don’t know how this will play out. Every other time we’ve done this I’ve walked into it with the assumption that at some point, it will work. I know better now. It doesn’t always work. A positive pregnancy test doesn’t always equal a take-home baby. There’s no level of fairness in this process at all. There will be “oops” pregnancies all over facebook at the same time I may be staring at a negative pregnancy test. It doesn’t matter how badly we want it, or how hard we try for it, or how hard we pray for it, the reality is TTC doesn’t care about fair or right or who deserves it.

What I have to remind myself, is that we DO deserve it, and not being successful at it doesn’t take that away. If this doesn’t work, it’s not because we did something wrong, or didn’t do something right. It just is. It doesn’t change my self-worth. It doesn’t make me ‘not enough’ of a mom or a wife, or less of a woman or a human. It doesn’t make me a failure.

I may need you all to remind me of that every now and again.

So there it is. In three weeks, we jump.


5 thoughts on “Precipice

  1. Words fail me as they often do. I am happy and scared and joyful and terrified right there with you. You are such a strong Momma. I know you will come through this even bigger and better than when you started. You have a huge fan in me, okay. Always and forever.

  2. Wow, that’s so exciting! Thinking of you guys. It sucks that the only options are to go through this crazy TTC process or to stop trying. Neither option is much fun.
    And it’s hard that so much of this TTC stuff is purely about luck. It has nothing to do with how much you want it or how good a parent you would be or any of that.

  3. Are you kidding?? You triple dog deserve it. More than that. I like the affirmations–they’re so right on. Love you and here. ❤

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