I know I’ve been absent. Both here and in comments on everyone’s blogs. I’m reading. I just. I don’t know. I feel like I don’t have the words. No insight to offer, no real help to give.
I’ll go to write something about TTC or something with the kids, and I’ll start it and then back off. I just feel like I’ve crawled into a bit of a cocoon. We’re trying to buy a house and starting a new cycle and it’s all just so very much to process. Sometimes the stress level is just completely off the charts and there was a day when I came home and it felt like all I did was scream at the kids. Sigh. This is not the mom I want to be.
We ran into some issues with N at school. Nothing major, just a little behavior choice that needed changing and reinforcing. Today was the first day I didn’t “remind” him so we’ll see how he does without me on him about it. Conferences are tomorrow, and I’m anxious to hear from both of their teachers, since most of what we get is “stuff” when we ask what they did in school.
Today’s been one of those days. My cycle almost got canceled before it got started and the only reason it went forward is because I pushed the NP to ultrasound me anyway. And of course now I’m second guessing all of it. The house thing is a hurricane coming at me. And on top of it, my boss just told me she’s leaving. My boss, who knows and understands the fact that we’re TTC and what the time commitment looks like and who is a close personal friend. Is leaving.
And that last little bit today was enough to send me over the edge emotionally. One more thing. One more uncertainty.
Because that’s the reality of my anxiety about all of it. Uncertainty. I want to know what it looks like in a month – after my cycle, and after my boss leaves, and after the house decision is made – what is the new reality? Does it matter to today and how I live it? Depends on how I look at it.
So tonight, I’ll go home and do what I always do. And do a shot in the stomach.
I’m still here. I’m just wrapped up in all of it and doing the best I can.