4dpiui

I’m currently in the TWW. For the non-infertility types around here, that stands for Two Week Wait, the two weeks after you ovulate during which you obsessively analyze every twinge and potential symptom for signs of pregnancy despite knowing full well that symptoms are meaningless.

I have been relatively quiet about this cycle. It’s a new protocol for me, and my monitoring appointment didn’t quite go as I had hoped. But, they say it only takes one, and so that’s what I’ve got. We did our IUI on Friday the 19th. So I’m now 4dpiui (4 days past IUI) obsessing over trying not to obsess.

It’s only mildly ironic that my TWW falls squarely into National Infertility Awareness Week. The roller coaster that is infertility completely takes over your life. You’re either researching protocols, analyzing symptoms, or envying every pregnant belly and new baby you come into a 50 mile radius of. A day doesn’t go by that infertility doesn’t creep into my consciousness, even when I’m not cycling.

About six months ago, J and N were out running errands with H and they’d stopped for lunch. Now, let me preface this by saying we never talk about TTC in front of the kids. Which makes J’s comment I’m about to tell you about that much weirder. Anyway, out of the blue, J says to H, “When are we going to have another baby so there will be three of us?” I wish there were some way to explain to her how hard we’re trying to make that happen.

It doesn’t help that it seems like friends and acquaintances are popping up pregnant left and right. I know of five off the top of my head without even thinking hard. And it’s not the infertile friends triumphing over their diagnoses that are hard to take, it’s the oops’s and the “gosh after three months we thought we’d NEVER get pregnant”.

I’m currently extremely restless. I want to know the outcome of this cycle so I can make decisions. It’s not news that I don’t do well with the unknown and the lack of control (those of you that know my in real life can shaddup with the giggling). I’m restless about everything right now – my job, the state of the house, my aging computer, my running (or lack thereof recently). My job is honestly a major source of my issues currently. I’m bored, I’m not interested in the work anymore, and I’m really regretting not taking the transfer I had the opportunity for a year ago. And now that I’m at the level I’m at, leaving becomes more difficult because there are fewer positions that would allow me the opportunity to make a change and stay at my current salary level.

So, I’m basically just sitting. Waiting. Going to work, doing the things I normally do, trying to pretend there isn’t this big thing hanging over me. Being out of the game for a while, you almost forget how hard it is to get through the waiting and uncertainty.

Almost.

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