Yesterday, I left my job at my Department for the last time. Monday, I’ll start a new job at a bigger, very different Agency (I work for the State, for those of you just joining us). I’ve been at this place for 4 1/2 years, and in State time, that’s like 8-10 in the private sector. I’m going from a very small organization to one literally 10 times its size. It was time for me to move on, as there’s no more upward mobility where I was at, but as someone who doesn’t do change well, it’s very scary for me. Plus I’m going to be doing something very different from my old job, so I’m going to be uncomfortable until I get up to speed.
As I was walking across the street for lunch, I ran into two coworkers. One was one of two people who knew about all of our struggles fertility-wise, and one who very much did not. We got to talking about the twins and J’s gymnastics and school being right around the corner (2nd grade, how did THAT happen???), and the woman who hasn’t been in the loop was in awe of how much the twins had grown and asked, “Are you going to have any more? I guess not seeing as they’re seven now.” And I froze. Stumbled. And my friend in the know, S, simply says, “Sometimes God has other plans.” I made a mental note to thank her later and quickly escaped to grab a sandwich.
It was at that moment I realized that this Department has been home to me during all of the loss. It was where I sat outside on the phone with my doctor crying, scheduling my D&C. It was where I looked for signs of hope in visiting wildlife and fields of sunflowers. It was where I got the call congratulating me on rising betas from my FET only to live in limbo for weeks after. At one point this week I was going through notebooks to see if there was anything I needed to pass on to any coworkers, and I was struck by how easy it was to look at the dates of meetings and remember what was going on fertility wise. Meetings before and after the D&C. Notes of life and business as usual while I was falling apart inside. Ordinary meetings, ordinary tasks, while my heart was breaking.
Maybe starting again somewhere new is more than just about upward mobility and my career.