I spent most of today feeling inadequate. It’s been a relatively good week, all told. I was feeling fairly comfortable by day 2, not in the technical skills, but just in the overall environment. And then, today, I’m not sure what it was. I just started to wonder what the heck I was doing. I thought about tomorrow, and celebrating my birthday alone at work because I really don’t have any friends there yet. I am missing my friends at my old job, and feeling that pull to go running back “home.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to dig in and make this place “home.” It just isn’t yet, and that’s hard. And I’m scared. This is an environment I haven’t experienced since my time in the private sector. It’s hard to explain, but this Agency isn’t run like a State Agency at all. It’s much more like walking into a high powered corporation. The pressure to succeed is definitely much more present.
Now, I’m a highly motivated person who hates when I’m not the expert at work. So I know I’ll work hard to get there. I just hope I can do it.
And yes. Tomorrow is my birthday. My boss asked me yesterday if 39 was bothering me. I said no, but that 40 probably would a lot more. Mostly because 40 was the line in the sand on TTC. We’ve pretty much put the kibosh on it, without ever actually saying it, but unless someone delivers the winning lottery ticket, we’re pretty much S.O.L. But it’s one thing to say, “Hey we can’t afford to do this.” And it’s entirely another to say, “Biology wins.”
I haven’t been running consistently. I’m running, just not enough. I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been not feeling great. I’ve simply run out of time. And YES, I know they’re all excuses. But I’m going to lighten up on myself and hope that when the kids start back at school next week, that I’ll be able to find a consistent scheduling groove and get back into the swing of it.
I sort of just feeling like everything is changing all at once right now. The kids start 2nd grade in less than a week. 2nd. Weren’t we just talking about Kindergarten? How did we come to have second graders? When I cleaned out my old office, I found pictures of the kids going back to 2007, when I started with the State. And my heart ached for the pudgy little fingers and the baby faces in those photos. I adore the little people they are becoming, but watching them grow further and further away from the babies I could hold in my hands is somehow more palpable this year.
This post feels like it’s all over the place. Maybe that’s just an accurate representation of how things look inside my head right now. All I know is that I feel unsteady right now, like everything is getting away from me. But I’m going to remind myself that all I can do is get up, try my best, and do it again the next day.