Breaking Up

I’m breaking up with infertility.

I’ve already decided on the date to break the news.

Our relationship has always been a volatile one. Only once did we manage to be on the same page at the same time. It was a good stretch of time. For 9 months between 2005 and 2006 we got along great and we did some amazing things. Two, to be exact.

But 9 months in the span of an almost 10 year relationship – well, we just can’t keep going on this way.

Now, even when we do see eye to eye, it doesn’t last long. It shouldn’t be this hard.

For a long time now, I’ve tried to act like infertility wasn’t there. You know how you can live in the same space but not really interact? Once a month, sometimes twice, I’d be reminded that things were futile. I’d see red and be angry all over again. But other than that, I spent a lot of time in avoidance mode.

I know it won’t be easy. There will probably even be times when I wish I could get back together and try again. But I’ve done that before, and it didn’t work out then, either.

It’s weird to think about what things look like without this relationship in my life. It’s been holding me back for a long time.

So, on December 12th, I’ll raise my glass to infertility, give thanks for the two amazing children it gave me, and walk away. It’s time. As with the end of most relationships, it’s been time for quite awhile.

It feels like that episode of “Friends” where the girls all burn things from previous exes to declare their independence from messed up relationships. We all have that box from an old relationship, don’t we? Mine’s filled with syringes and alcohol wipes and a sharps container. It sits on the top shelf in my closet, next to a stack of old photo albums and sweatshirts, and I can’t yet bring myself to get rid of it all.

Remnants of an old relationship. Of who I used to be.

I’m not that person anymore.

I’m a runner, a photographer, a reader, a friend, a daughter.

A wife.

A mother.

I am not infertile.

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7 thoughts on “Breaking Up

  1. That is so strange. Just the other night I was telling my Husband that infertility felt like a bad relationship. Making me feel down but I am not ready to let go. It has not been 10 years and I’ve not had my 9 months…yet! Thanks for this blog entry… I cannot wait to break up in the future. I might through a break up party!!

  2. Reblogged this on eatavocado and commented:
    I love this entry. Just the other night I was telling my Husband that infertility was like being in a bad relationship, lots of hurt and anger. Unlike ‘Where love and chaos reign’ I’m not ready to break up, but when I do I will celebrate with style!

  3. I love this! I have been feeling like it is time to “cut the cord” of infertility once and for all. I never became a mother, but I am ready to move on. Love the idea of “breaking up with infertility”

  4. I love this post! Infertility is the worst of any relationship I’ve ever been in… It’s such a controlling, manipulative, moody partner! I toast you on kicking infertility to the curb… You’re right – it does NOT define you!

  5. What a great post. Infertility is definitely a relationship and one that I want to be done with someday myself. I’m not quite ready to call it quits, but I’ll definitely think of this post when it is time. Very well said!
    I hope you’re feeling good these days!

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