We’re a month into the New Year now, and the schedule changes that took place with the dawn of 2014 have now become routine. J is in the gym 6 hours a week, which puts us home after 8pm three nights a week. N has basketball on Fridays that puts him home around 9pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays we have no activities, so we play catch up on things like laundry and cleaning. H works Tuesday nights, so by the time I get home and we eat dinner, she has to leave and I’m on solo nighttime duty. Saturdays N has basketball games, anywhere between 10am and 3pm, and so far J’s gymnastics meets have all had her competing on Sunday. In another month, baseball will start, and it will blow this schedule out of the water again.
Yesterday, my friend L asked when I have time to sneeze.
The reality is, some things have suffered. I haven’t run in months. I haven’t knit in longer. The only thing I’m keeping up with right now is posting to my photography page. And I’ll tell you a secret, not every photo is actually taken on the day it goes up. I will often load up on images over the weekend and spread them out through the week. Other days, it’s a shot from my iphone as I’ve gone through the day. But, for the most part, I’m happy with all of the images I’ve posted and I’ve learned a lot in the time I’ve been working on it. While I’m still committed to posting every day, I do wish some days I’d taken on a 52 week challenge rather than a 365. The pressure to be creative every day with the schedule I’m keeping is difficult.
I am now having my second cycle post-ablation. So far, they’ve been no better than they were pre-ablation. In fact, last month’s was horrendous. This month has been more in keeping with how they were pre-ablation, but I’m incredibly disappointed with the lack of improvement. I emailed my doctor last month and asked what I was supposed to think, and she asked me to wait three cycles and then we could talk. I’m petrified of a hysterectomy, so my guess is I just have to shut up and deal with it. I don’t want to go on birth control, because I’d rather deal with the pain and bleeding than the risks of being on birth control as a woman (almost) over 40 and as a migraine sufferer.
Not to mention the emotional side effects of having given up what was left of my fertility only to have my body continue to taunt me month after month.
What’s been difficult the past two months or so is allowing myself the space to say “I don’t have time for ‘x’” and having that be ok. Currently, it’s been running that I’ve had to find the space to be ok with cutting out. And trust me, there’s an enormous amount of guilt and feeling like a failure over that. But at the end of the day, I am making a choice not to get on the treadmill at 10pm after everything else that has needed to get done gets done (or hasn’t, as the case may be). I know it won’t always be like this, but right now I’m getting more from photography than I am from running, and I’m using the limited amount of time I have for the activity that’s providing me the most fulfillment. But it’s really hard not to feel like I’m letting myself and a bunch of other people down by choosing one over the other. The friend who bought me a race entry; the people who send me motivational pins on pinterest, the people who’ve told me I motivated them to start running.
It’s just difficult not to feel like I’m failing at SOMETHING right now, and truly it often feels like I’m failing at more than I’m not. Mornings are still often very frustrating getting the kids out the door for school, I’ve taken to dropping them off rather than walking with them every day, work has been total insanity, running is non-existent, eating has been crap, H and I never see each other – the list goes on.
And yet, there are days – when N has a basketball game and everything goes just the way he wants and I capture a shot of him with that smile on his face that says all is right with his world. Or when J comes home after gym and says “I think I had a good day at practice today.” Or on the rare Sunday morning when J gets up and I’m still in bed and she comes into my room and curls up with me and nobody has anywhere to be. Or when N throws his arms around me unprompted and says, “I love you SOOOOO much, Mommy.” Or when all four of us are in the car together and the radio is blaring and we’re all singing at the tops of our lungs and laughing at how we must look to the cars around us.
I know I’ve been relatively absent from this particular space. I’m sorry. I’d love it if you could go over to my 365 page and check things out there. I have some stuff I’m incredibly proud of. Truly.
I hope you all are well.