Wish Right Now

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts. Not a happy one, mind you. And for me it marked the last significant date pertaining to my miscarriage.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my D&C. The day the last bit of hope about that pregnancy was taken from me. I know I’ve written a lot about how the miscarriage affected me, and maybe you’re all really tired of hearing it. Sometimes I’m tired of feeling it.

The truth is, I didn’t even think yesterday would be a big deal to me emotionally. I realized at the beginning of the week it was coming and was sort of taken aback by my response. I didn’t think this one would be hard too. I really thought getting by my due date would be the end of it.

Maybe it hits me harder because we’re trying again. Yes, I’m coming out of the closet with that one, mostly because everyone who knows me IRL who reads here already knows. For those of you who are blogland friends who didn’t, the story is that we decided we weren’t done, were gifted some sperm by some amazing friends (our donor is inactive and unavailable) and are attempting medicated IUIs. The first cycle, a clomid/menopur hybrid, was “beautiful” but resulted in nothing. I’m currently 6dpiui on cycle two, a mirror image of cycle one, although trigger day showed a crappy but barely acceptable lining, so I have doubts as to possibilities of success this time around. I probably won’t blog about it much. I’m just not sure what to say about it.

So maybe this anniversary hits hard because, while I really believed that that D&C represented the end of my chances to ever have another baby, I’m now really in the thick of our “last chances.” We can do IUI’s for quite some time because we have 50% insurance coverage, but at what point are we throwing money down the toilet? I worry about the day we walk into the RE and he says “IVF is your only option” and we look at each other saying, “where the hell will we get the money?”

And I’m getting older. I’ll be 37 on Tuesday, and how much longer is my body going to cooperate? I want to be pregnant, to experience it all again, but I know my chances get lower every damned day that goes by.

A year ago yesterday was one of the worst days. It took more time than I ever thought it would to be ok again. Pregnancy announcements on social networks are often still the hardest thing to take in, mostly because they come so unexpectedly. Pictures of pregnant bellies, new babies, siblings holding new babies – it all hits really hard.

I really thought yesterday would sort of just float by. And then on my drive to work the song “Airplanes” came on my iPod, and I was reduced to tears:

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

6dpiui. Wishing for a different outcome this year than last.

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6 thoughts on “Wish Right Now

  1. Thanks for sharing this with those of us in blogoland. I completely understand being tired of feeling something. Grief and loss are hard to deal with and I find it difficult to predict how to feel, especially around anniversaries, which I think are especially emotionally charged. As everyone has said above, I’m wishing, hoping, and sending lots of love to you. Take care of yourself.

  2. Just stopping by with a birthday hug! I hope it’s a great one, in spite of all that is going on.

    I wish there was something I could say or do to erase the pain of this anniversary, but I know there isn’t. I hope there is a BFP right around the corner so that you have something to celebrate in addition to the mourning I know you will continue to do. I know exactly what you mean about the social network surprises. I have been feeling really okay about my chemical lately. I took on a big project this summer that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I were pregnant and as it culminated this past weekend, I felt something that was almost a shade of gratitude that everything worked out as it did to give me that opportunity. Then I logged into FB and saw a new profile pic featuring a big ol’ belly on a friend with a daughter E’s age. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. I clicked on the picture and read the comments in which she mentioned her due date of October 10th – one day after what mine should have been – and it was like a white hot dagger. I doubt that feeling will ever go away completely, but good heavens I hope it dulls, for both of our sakes.

    Big love and crossed fingers to you. 🙂

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